depression · life · math

An Explanation: Part 1

A more (semi) coherent and sober explanation of recent events. With backstory. This might need to be in parts.

If this gets found, it will be obvious who I am, and at this point I give zero fucks. I’m in the mood to take everyone down and burn with me. However, one thing I do value is friendship and a promise I made to not tell anyone. By not getting him fired, this is going against everything I feel in my heart.

I never hated Dr. Dreamcrusher. I was irritated by his disorganization and how he’d give me non-help and favor helping others over me. I was endlessly frustrated and knew something was wrong. But I thought I was just overreacting because I am so insecure with my math skills and tend to ask a lot of questions. I thought I was also overreacting as I might be jealous that other people get attention towards their work and I didn’t. I am a first born child, what can I say? I love attention. But I am also self-aware enough to know that I tend to monopolize attention so I purposely back off.

As it turns out this was a nope, he was actually favoring other people over me.

My first semester with him I knew he liked my study partner, who we’ll call Kady. He would stare at her. Yes in an oogling way. He’s more obvious than he knows. She’s not the only one his eyes have wandered all over. I just figured he was completely not self-aware. She says that he’s very paranoid that he will get found out for all of this. For very good reason too, people suspect and notice this. Not just me. He’s not as slick as he wants to believe.

Also he was always happy to help her. Not so much me, but I rationalized that was okay. This guy didn’t know me or my skills, and probably come off weird. I actually started to filter my questions through her, asking Kady to ask him questions on the material instead, “since she was his favorite”. She denied that it was true but it worked every time. I got ignored, she didn’t.

Let me just say that the usual office hours with Dr. Dreamcrusher go that if there’s an assload of people there I can’t get shit done, so I just usually listen to what other people ask to see if it helps me. If he is alone, I am usually ignored for whatever is on his computer, “I’m not ignoring you,” he says. “Ask me a question.” I’d say the first sign to being ignored is having to stare at the back of someone’s head. Also, I get fucking nervous as hell asking questions. (Look at old posts explaining my early experience in 8th grade algebra.) With a genius professor, I don’t know what questions to ask that aren’t stupid as fuck. So 75% of the time I just sit there trying to figure out what to ask in a way that doesn’t make me look dumb.

Dr. Dreamcrusher was intimidating, I won’t lie. He’s smart as fuck but I know smart as fuck people. Shit, I am one. But he’s really good at math. I am not, thus the nervousness. That first semester it was all about what school he graduated from, who is parents are, where he grew up, and who he knows in math and outside of math. I didn’t give two shits about who you know, because I grew up near Berkeley. Half the teachers and professors I had went there. I was accepted there and denied them out of high school. I am just not the type of person to fawn over someone’s resume. But I wanted to know what he knew, so I put up with the egotistical shit. “It sounds like he has a touch of the Asperger’s” is what my former boss said.

I would get comments on my homework telling me my work was “awful” with no constructive criticism. I chalked it up to him being an inexperienced teacher. After a few years of grading papers I knew this shit was bad practice, but I never said anything.

He would consistently tell me my “place in the class” going so far as to show me ranked amongst both sections of his classes. No names were given out but it was pretty well implied who was better than I was.

In spite of him reassuring me I was ranked well, I did fairly mediocre. Coming off a streak of A’s this broke my heart. I thought it was him being a difficult teacher, my first year at a university and that I would have to really work harder to get an A. I wanted the challenge. I took him for the next semester for two back to back classes.

At this point I was getting sick of seeing him. Two classes meant twice as much overwhelming homework. Twice as much office hours and twice as much of him just staring me down willing the knowledge into my head or giving me the answer instead of actually guiding me to an answer. This is the semester in which he told me he was “dumbing down concepts” for me. Yes, in those words but then turns around and asks me if it’s too slow. It was perfectly at pace, but thanks for rubbing it in.

I thought it was just him being socially unaware because, after all, this man was so smart. The faculty at our school loves him and is so excited for him to be there

This semester was also when I found out I was sick and had the markers for cancer. Around midterm time I emailed him from my doctors office because I could only make one of his office hours that week before our midterm and we also had homework due. However, that office hour was about to happen and I was at the doctors learning that they wanted to give me a hysterectomy the week of my 30th birthday. I was devestated and hysterical, and had several panic attacks that day. I wasn’t going to make his office hours. I was seriously lost on the homework and I just asked if he was available outside of his usual time as I was at the doctors.. He ignored that email. And he ignored 3 other, not as important, emails that term. But after that I was upset. I felt alone. I had this man for half of my major classes and he didn’t give two shits about me.

Furious, I emailed the one person in math who I felt would help. Professor S. He responded within MINUTES. Excited to fucking help me. I mean, I had him for a semester in community college and he dealt with the same me. But was excited to help me. I felt like I was bothering Dr. Dreamcrusher.

During this term I had an incident with another classmate who blatantly cheated off me. I talked to Dr. Dreamcrusher and he said he would talk to her.

At this same time my study partners, including Kady, started distancing themselves from me. I didn’t understand why. After a comment when one asked for help that she “didn’t want to seem like they were copying off” of me, I thought I had spooked them.

I also got a random string of texts from Kady asking me if I was romantically interested in Dr. Dreamcrusher. Which was a big ole nope. I still don’t know what inspired that text exchange. But I am sure he knows the details of it at this point.

One particular visit before finals Dr. Dreamcrusher and I were discussing how nervous I get before exams and his sage advice was to take two shots of alcohol before my test. (As a side note: I will fully admit I am an alcoholic. It runs deep in my veins. And as one, we know another one even if a bottle is not to their lips. He is one. And due to several comments he’s made throughout the year, he knows I am one too.) I had that drink before my finals. And the next day for my second final he confessed he knew it. And I admitted I did.

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