depression · life · math

An Explanation: Part 2

I had surgery before last semester. It was my 30th birthday, my best friend moved away with her family, everyone at home was being an adult and doing adult things and here I was, living in a world in college that I should have had ten years prior. I felt old, inadequate at math, and just sad for myself. I started therapy and subsequently this blog.

In the same conversation where he found out that I was buzzed during his final, Dr. Dreamcrusher gave me this ‘go for your goals’ speech and essentially asked me to ask him for letters of recommendation. So I asked him for one for this summer program I was pretty indifferent to go to. As we know well, he forgot in the next 3 weeks…and didn’t acknowledge any of the three emails I sent to remind him or ask if he reconsidered. That began the new semester. I really think it set the tone for the disaster last semester was for me.

When I had to confront him, I was nervous. I didn’t want to start anything. I even debated informing my faculty advisor and asking for help. (Kinda glad I didn’t.) But when I saw my emails sitting in his inbox, my heart broke. He just didn’t fucking care. I wanted out of his office and to cry. But he seemed so sincere to make things right, in spite of never actually apologizing.

That night I angrily filled in the form he wanted me to send him for info for my recommendation. Because I was upset I overshared. I wish I hadn’t told so much info. But I gave information about my family, things I had never told Kady. Things she ended up telling me this past weekend that he told her.

The term goes on and I get depressed. I’m feeling more alone, my usual study partners aren’t really talking to me and after the letter issue, I decide to make a concerted effort to try to be independent of Dr. Dreamcrusher’s help. I cut my office visits in half and use the excuse that I have work and therapy to go to. Honestly I could have planned either of those at different times, but I purposely didn’t so I wouldn’t go to his late night office hours.

Dr. Dreamcrusher would never sincerely ask me how I was. It always seemed like a front. He’d ask me with people around, especially Kady. I wasn’t going to share anything with anyone around so I always say okay. He’d always end a fake inquiry with: “You don’t have to tell me details.” It just seemed like he didn’t actually want to know details. He just was asking to ask, with other people around. As someone who has experience teaching kids with shit going on…there’s this thing called discretion. He didn’t use that.

I would sometimes make the resolution to find a time when he was alone to tell him the truth, but he was either ignoring me or I just felt weird about it. Or Kady would always be around. I don’t know why she always ended up there when I tried to go to office hours. I mean, had told her some things that were going on, mostly the health things. But I never told anyone about the depression that was going on even more.

I suspected something was going on with her and I thought she had broken up with her boyfriend. I didn’t want to pry so I just kind of sat back. I suppose it’s around this time he started fucking Kady. I never got texts from her and I was thinking she was mad at me. All the while Dr. Dreamcrusher asks me why Kady and I aren’t studying together anymore. I tell him I don’t know why and maybe it’s something I did as “I tend to do stupid shit and annoy people.” I also make the comment that she tends to ask me to drink with her a lot and I don’t feel comfortable going out and doing so since she’s not exactly of age, and if I get caught I would never get my teaching credential. (Also, I don’t want to be drinking on the regular as I am an alcoholic, like I said before). This is key as I guess he goes back to Kady and informs her that I don’t want to hang out with her because I don’t want to buy her alcohol. That’s stupid. I don’t care if homegirl drinks. Shit, we got drunk this past weekend, plus we had gotten drunk, with alcohol I supplied, on campus, during his office hour. But what I said is I didn’t want to go out and drink. Also, like she says…her boyfriend is of age…she has people who can buy that shit for her. What the fuck?

Now Kady knowing this information along with details about my family life is just about enough for me to believe her. This is only information I had told Dr. Dreamcrusher.

Going back to school. At this point I had fucked up my analysis midterm. I know now that my analysis professor (yes the one who smells like my dad) went to Dr. Dreamcrusher and asked him why the fuck my midterm was so shitty as my homework was great. From Dr. Dreamcrusher’s admission, he told him I was probably overwhelmed but I’d be okay. He also decided to tell Analysis Professor my background and tells him that I was accepted to this summer program (the one for which he forgot my recommendation). I hadn’t told anyone I was accepted to the program.

So then my analysis professor emails me and asks to meet me. We have a closed door meeting and discuss my midterm and he offers me a chance to incomplete the quarter in order to take the summer in the program going back over analysis and redo it as an audit in the fall. I take the chance. He also asks about my background and tells me Dr. Dreamcrusher told him. Kind if irks me, but I’ve had teachers talk to teachers about me before. Whatev. During this meeting though, Dr. Dreamcrusher shows up. Analysis professor makes the comment that he knows what the meeting is about if he wants to stay and Dr. Dreamcrusher plays dumb and is like “I do?” He didn’t stay for the meeting.

Referring back to old posts I made. I was so grateful this happened. I still am. But now just to my Analysis Professor. I was so depressed at this point. I felt so isolated and alone, and I just couldn’t see that someone was actually caring.

The next office hour I had was the awkward one. I was really sick (I was actually fighting off a panic attack during class) the prior week and asked Dr. Dreamcrusher for an extension on my homework, to which he said yes. I had forgotten my homework on my desk, and didn’t want to overextend his generosity so I drove home and came back to campus to drop it off before office hours was over.

As I am pulling up the street, Kady is texting me asking me if I want her to tell him I was gonna turn it in later. I said no as I was already there. When I get there, it’s just them two and it’s awkward as fuck. The same time, my mom calls me so instead of interrupting them, I just take her call and go into the classroom down the hall. Apparently that freaked Dr. Dreamcrusher out. I suspect this was their planned time to have sex and I interrupted it. I am not sure, but he’s very concerned with why I left his office and went down the hall and he comes to check on me repeatedly. I was seriously just talking to my mom. I didn’t get anything done in that office hour, it was just a night of random as fuck conversation, and after Kady left, I don’t even understand why he firmly insisted on helping me with a problem on the homework I was turning in.

My semester went on and by the end I was in my full blown depression. Panic attacks before class and after. The week before finals I had locked myself in my dark room and cried until I fell asleep and woke up crying. I didn’t go to one of my finals and went to Dr. Dreamcrusher’s final full blown drunk, with alcohol in my cup that I drank during my final, announcing to Kady when I left that I was going to attempt alcohol poisoning that night.

I spent the next three days locked in my bedroom, contemplating killing myself. That is the truth. Then I checked myself into the hospital.

That was my first week of summer. I am now on medication and therapy and my goal was to progressively get better enough to face my summer program.

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