depression · life · math

An Explanation: Part 3

Since the last day of classes, I haven’t written here. Mostly because everything got so out of control for me, so fast. I intended to drive home to see my family, like I usually do after a semester ends, but I couldn’t face them. I went to work looking grim as fuck, went home, and went to therapy.

I felt like I was going crazy in my life. That my self-view was so skewed (don’t get me wrong, I know it is. But not for the ways I suspected then.) that I felt off. I felt like Kady was too young and selfish for me to confide in anymore. I had no friends, my family was so far away, and no school mentor. Isolated.

This program I started was about 30 math students learning a shit-load of math for 4 weeks. It was like a damn tornado of material. I took these four weeks to make the decision if I was cut out for grad school. The first week I thought, “I could totally do this!” The second and third weeks, I progressively grew into “I cannot.” which culminated into the beginning of week four, the day before Dr. Dreamcrusher was due to take over teaching where I was crying in the bathroom, wondering why anyone thought I could do this. I was so irritated that he even wrote me a letter, because he had ignored me so often I figured he didn’t even know I didn’t understand.

Also this program comes with an opportunity to do research. However, I was instantly looked over because I am taking an extra year to do undergrad classes so priority for funds went to those graduating this year. Perfectly understandable. But I went to the program director regardless and I asked if she could help me find anything, even going so far as to forfeit my money for the research portion. She said yes and said she would try to see if I could get on the team of a new professor. The other team was being led by Dr. Dreamcrusher.

I started to do background reading on the other professor’s topic and got really excited. For three weeks, the director was very adamant that she was going to get me to work with this professor.

Before I explain the last few days, meeting students from other schools of various different backgrounds, I soon became very aware that everyone (even the ones from my own school) had mentors and professors who they had clicked with. I did not. Here and there people would wonder why I didn’t consider Dr. Dreamcrusher my mentor. I’d explain the whole letter thing, and various stories and they’d get it. (I explained it once to my roommate that Dr. Dreamcrusher would come, feign momentary interest in whatever I was working on, then ask me about Kady before going on some tangent that was meant to impress.) Then when the director of the program made a comment that he didn’t reply to emails until right before it was his time to teach (because it was a due date), I started to realize this isn’t just me.

He showed up and the first people he came to help during group breakaways was me and a classmate of mine that he happens to love. (This classmate is really smart and will likely become a regular of my posts in the future.)  It was weird to actually have him be attentive and help.  Not only that but it made me feel super stupid. All of a sudden these people I had been explaining that I feel alone at my school because I essentially feel ignored by this professor I’ve had for an entire year, are looking at me like…you crazy. And I am thinking maybe I was completely overreacting. I mean I was extremely depressed, so maybe it all just clouded my self-awareness.

Plus, at this point all the other people in this program were at the point of awe over him. Oh my god, so smart. Oh my god, so nice.

The next few days go on and I am starting to have this change, realizing I’m not bad at this. I’m actually very good. I could actually have a future in this, if I want it.

Then the last day happens. My roommate informs me my super smart classmate has something to tell me, and me being impatient forces it out of her that I am on his research team with Dr. Dreamcrusher. I’m actually excited, though a little bummed cuz I liked the other topic. Whatever, I have a spot. The last day of the program, Dr. Dreamcrusher does not acknowledge that I am on his research team (and neither does super smart classmate), and acts as if I am going to see him as my professor for Complex analysis. (Why? He’s not the only one teaching it…) Being the sarcastic person I is…I play dumb like…”Uh..okay? I suppose if that is my only option.” (Which in hindsight is probably why this fool thinks I hate him, but I have zero guilt about it now.)

Then I see him a few hours later at our end of program dinner my analysis professor puts together. This is where I see he is with my faculty advisor. An interesting development, but in my mind, it’s cute, I dig it. He’s a dick, she’s kind of cold…it could be a thing. But it’s going to make the list of what and who I complain about in advising meetings a lot less.

I don’t talk to him. Instead right before he leaves he comes up to me and asks how I felt about the program. Keep in mind this entire conversation he does this with people around. I explain that I had different expectations for it then what I got out of it, but it was good. And he says I seemed really happy and that I was having fun which apparently made him happy.

He goes on stating that my analysis professor came to him (I knew this) after my midterm asking him why my midterm did not match what I did during my homework and he explained to him I was probably overwhelmed. I knew Dr. Dreamcrusher knew, but I don’t know why he played some stupid game of ignorance. Letting me sit in his office while he tried to force me to tell him with people around. And yet still forcing me to explain my shit with people around.

So now I’m feeling really, really dumb because the girl I had been rooming with for a month (she knew about my analysis situation regardless) is sitting there looking at me like “Bitch you said this dude did not care about you. Yet here he is…caring.” But then it comes…

“Have you hung out with Kady?”

I couldn’t help it. I snorted, rolled my eyes and let out “No…” (Was a lie, I had talked to her.) Apparently he was concerned about her because at the end of the semester she started “getting dark”. So now I feel guilty because at the end of the semester she pissed me off when I asked her to grab a review sheet for me cuz I was stuck at home crying and having anxiety attacks all day and said “I didn’t want to be out in public” to which she essentially said ditto, she wasn’t going and was going to ask me the same favor. I sucked it up and went to class (late) on her behalf to grab that shit. Then during class I saw on her snapchat she was at Disneyland.

Though now I am grateful my bitterness made me say nothing. Perhaps I kind of surprised him with the blatant reaction. I explain that “I knew something was up with her and had my suspicion” (I thought she broke up with her boyfriend) “but then saw something different” (like a couple weeks later he reappeared being boyfriend-y) so I had no clue. After his inquiry, he ended up leaving shortly after.

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