depression · life · math · School

Realistic nightmares.

I had a dream nightmare a couple nights ago that my research partner e-mailed me. He asked if I was sure that our program director told me I was supposed to replace the other guy because Dr. Dreamcrusher emailed him for a meeting to discuss the project and I didn’t show up at the meeting. Well, because Dr. Dreamcrusher didn’t include me in the email.

It was one of those realistic dreams where I had to double check my inbox 3 times the next day to make sure I didn’t actually get it. And it’s something that Dr. Dreamcrusher would do.

Now that I know this asshat is playing a game, I’m even more paranoid that he’s gonna fuck me over. Especially since I know, and I know that he’s paranoid someone will find out.

Don’t worry, fool, your secret is safe. I think you’re dumb as fuck, but I ain’t saying shit.

depression · math · School

Bouncing Back.

Or rather climbing my way out of the pit I dug for myself.

Due to my stubbornness to admit I had a really huge depression issue all last year, I now have to fight the powers that be at my school for the right to my financial aid for the coming year.

I don’t like this.

This means there will be an official document in my academic files saying I had a major bout of depression. Something I didn’t want, which is why I avoided telling anyone.

But now I have no choice. It’s admit it or move home.

Or take out an insane amount of loans, which I’m not prepared to do. So beg the financial aid people it is!

I am going into the advising office tomorrow and hope they won’t force me to meet with my faculty advisor. Or maybe I’ll convince them to let me switch faculty advisors, but I think that means at some point I will have to explain why I want to switch my faculty advisor. Which I won’t do.

God dammit.

depression · life · math

An Explanation: Part 4

I left that dinner happy.

For once I was crying after a meeting with that idiot because I was happy. I actually felt like he cared. I felt like someone at the stupid school cared. That is all I really want. Someone to be on my side.

I was excited about this research shit, I was excited to probably have a mentor, I was excited to be working with a student who was dope as fuck and not a lame ass…I was excited to be a mathematician.

The next night came a text from Kady to hang out. The universe is odd, I thought. It’s as if she knew. Well, drinking happened and the truth came out.

Kady says the following points:

  • She and Dr. Dreamcrusher had sex starting last semester. It caused trouble in her (open) relationship with her boyfriend and they did break up. (I was right) But then she broke it off and her and her boyfriend got back together.
  • He is needy as fuck and apparently still texts her monthly.
  • He’s emotionally abusive as fuck and would tell her all the time how much better I was doing in a class than her. Which I don’t think is true. I don’t know if he was lying to her or what. But he would show her my work and compare it to hers. Then tell her how much worse she was at math.
  • He is obsessed with what his students think about him. Apparently he would ask her all the time if I hated him.
  • He said he felt bad about my family situation and told her about it. Stuff I never told her about.
  • He told her that I stopped hanging out with her because she asked me to buy her alcohol.
  • I asked her if she knew who he was currently dating, and she told me straight up. And said that the only reason he’s dating her is they bonded after he had surgery because of their similar pain issues. I currently feel so bad for that poor lady based on past advising conversations we had.
  • He loves my super smart classmate and will do anything to keep him as a student. Which I called ages ago.
  • He thinks I never read the books. (Stupid as I would literally go into his office and state “I read the book and such and such doesn’t make sense”…then get ignored. Okay.)
  • He thinks I am unteachable to him as I don’t think the same way he does.
  • He thinks I am intimidating?
  • He thinks so highly of me and thinks I have so much potential. Well shit, I’d hate to see someone he doesn’t like.

Now I am a few days removed from this mess and I’m pissed. I’m pissed at everyone involved because now I am stuck with this raging douche-canoe for another entire year.

I feel stupid for thinking his caring was sincere. No, he just wanted an excuse to ask me about his booty-call. I feel stupid for choosing this toxic as fuck math department. I am pissed that my peers are still acting like dumb ass children.

Most of all I am disappointed that I promised Kady I wouldn’t tell anyone. If this is all true, this asshole deserves to get fired.

depression · life · math

An Explanation: Part 3

Since the last day of classes, I haven’t written here. Mostly because everything got so out of control for me, so fast. I intended to drive home to see my family, like I usually do after a semester ends, but I couldn’t face them. I went to work looking grim as fuck, went home, and went to therapy.

I felt like I was going crazy in my life. That my self-view was so skewed (don’t get me wrong, I know it is. But not for the ways I suspected then.) that I felt off. I felt like Kady was too young and selfish for me to confide in anymore. I had no friends, my family was so far away, and no school mentor. Isolated.

This program I started was about 30 math students learning a shit-load of math for 4 weeks. It was like a damn tornado of material. I took these four weeks to make the decision if I was cut out for grad school. The first week I thought, “I could totally do this!” The second and third weeks, I progressively grew into “I cannot.” which culminated into the beginning of week four, the day before Dr. Dreamcrusher was due to take over teaching where I was crying in the bathroom, wondering why anyone thought I could do this. I was so irritated that he even wrote me a letter, because he had ignored me so often I figured he didn’t even know I didn’t understand.

Also this program comes with an opportunity to do research. However, I was instantly looked over because I am taking an extra year to do undergrad classes so priority for funds went to those graduating this year. Perfectly understandable. But I went to the program director regardless and I asked if she could help me find anything, even going so far as to forfeit my money for the research portion. She said yes and said she would try to see if I could get on the team of a new professor. The other team was being led by Dr. Dreamcrusher.

I started to do background reading on the other professor’s topic and got really excited. For three weeks, the director was very adamant that she was going to get me to work with this professor.

Before I explain the last few days, meeting students from other schools of various different backgrounds, I soon became very aware that everyone (even the ones from my own school) had mentors and professors who they had clicked with. I did not. Here and there people would wonder why I didn’t consider Dr. Dreamcrusher my mentor. I’d explain the whole letter thing, and various stories and they’d get it. (I explained it once to my roommate that Dr. Dreamcrusher would come, feign momentary interest in whatever I was working on, then ask me about Kady before going on some tangent that was meant to impress.) Then when the director of the program made a comment that he didn’t reply to emails until right before it was his time to teach (because it was a due date), I started to realize this isn’t just me.

He showed up and the first people he came to help during group breakaways was me and a classmate of mine that he happens to love. (This classmate is really smart and will likely become a regular of my posts in the future.)  It was weird to actually have him be attentive and help.  Not only that but it made me feel super stupid. All of a sudden these people I had been explaining that I feel alone at my school because I essentially feel ignored by this professor I’ve had for an entire year, are looking at me like…you crazy. And I am thinking maybe I was completely overreacting. I mean I was extremely depressed, so maybe it all just clouded my self-awareness.

Plus, at this point all the other people in this program were at the point of awe over him. Oh my god, so smart. Oh my god, so nice.

The next few days go on and I am starting to have this change, realizing I’m not bad at this. I’m actually very good. I could actually have a future in this, if I want it.

Then the last day happens. My roommate informs me my super smart classmate has something to tell me, and me being impatient forces it out of her that I am on his research team with Dr. Dreamcrusher. I’m actually excited, though a little bummed cuz I liked the other topic. Whatever, I have a spot. The last day of the program, Dr. Dreamcrusher does not acknowledge that I am on his research team (and neither does super smart classmate), and acts as if I am going to see him as my professor for Complex analysis. (Why? He’s not the only one teaching it…) Being the sarcastic person I is…I play dumb like…”Uh..okay? I suppose if that is my only option.” (Which in hindsight is probably why this fool thinks I hate him, but I have zero guilt about it now.)

Then I see him a few hours later at our end of program dinner my analysis professor puts together. This is where I see he is with my faculty advisor. An interesting development, but in my mind, it’s cute, I dig it. He’s a dick, she’s kind of cold…it could be a thing. But it’s going to make the list of what and who I complain about in advising meetings a lot less.

I don’t talk to him. Instead right before he leaves he comes up to me and asks how I felt about the program. Keep in mind this entire conversation he does this with people around. I explain that I had different expectations for it then what I got out of it, but it was good. And he says I seemed really happy and that I was having fun which apparently made him happy.

He goes on stating that my analysis professor came to him (I knew this) after my midterm asking him why my midterm did not match what I did during my homework and he explained to him I was probably overwhelmed. I knew Dr. Dreamcrusher knew, but I don’t know why he played some stupid game of ignorance. Letting me sit in his office while he tried to force me to tell him with people around. And yet still forcing me to explain my shit with people around.

So now I’m feeling really, really dumb because the girl I had been rooming with for a month (she knew about my analysis situation regardless) is sitting there looking at me like “Bitch you said this dude did not care about you. Yet here he is…caring.” But then it comes…

“Have you hung out with Kady?”

I couldn’t help it. I snorted, rolled my eyes and let out “No…” (Was a lie, I had talked to her.) Apparently he was concerned about her because at the end of the semester she started “getting dark”. So now I feel guilty because at the end of the semester she pissed me off when I asked her to grab a review sheet for me cuz I was stuck at home crying and having anxiety attacks all day and said “I didn’t want to be out in public” to which she essentially said ditto, she wasn’t going and was going to ask me the same favor. I sucked it up and went to class (late) on her behalf to grab that shit. Then during class I saw on her snapchat she was at Disneyland.

Though now I am grateful my bitterness made me say nothing. Perhaps I kind of surprised him with the blatant reaction. I explain that “I knew something was up with her and had my suspicion” (I thought she broke up with her boyfriend) “but then saw something different” (like a couple weeks later he reappeared being boyfriend-y) so I had no clue. After his inquiry, he ended up leaving shortly after.

depression · life · math

An Explanation: Part 2

I had surgery before last semester. It was my 30th birthday, my best friend moved away with her family, everyone at home was being an adult and doing adult things and here I was, living in a world in college that I should have had ten years prior. I felt old, inadequate at math, and just sad for myself. I started therapy and subsequently this blog.

In the same conversation where he found out that I was buzzed during his final, Dr. Dreamcrusher gave me this ‘go for your goals’ speech and essentially asked me to ask him for letters of recommendation. So I asked him for one for this summer program I was pretty indifferent to go to. As we know well, he forgot in the next 3 weeks…and didn’t acknowledge any of the three emails I sent to remind him or ask if he reconsidered. That began the new semester. I really think it set the tone for the disaster last semester was for me.

When I had to confront him, I was nervous. I didn’t want to start anything. I even debated informing my faculty advisor and asking for help. (Kinda glad I didn’t.) But when I saw my emails sitting in his inbox, my heart broke. He just didn’t fucking care. I wanted out of his office and to cry. But he seemed so sincere to make things right, in spite of never actually apologizing.

That night I angrily filled in the form he wanted me to send him for info for my recommendation. Because I was upset I overshared. I wish I hadn’t told so much info. But I gave information about my family, things I had never told Kady. Things she ended up telling me this past weekend that he told her.

The term goes on and I get depressed. I’m feeling more alone, my usual study partners aren’t really talking to me and after the letter issue, I decide to make a concerted effort to try to be independent of Dr. Dreamcrusher’s help. I cut my office visits in half and use the excuse that I have work and therapy to go to. Honestly I could have planned either of those at different times, but I purposely didn’t so I wouldn’t go to his late night office hours.

Dr. Dreamcrusher would never sincerely ask me how I was. It always seemed like a front. He’d ask me with people around, especially Kady. I wasn’t going to share anything with anyone around so I always say okay. He’d always end a fake inquiry with: “You don’t have to tell me details.” It just seemed like he didn’t actually want to know details. He just was asking to ask, with other people around. As someone who has experience teaching kids with shit going on…there’s this thing called discretion. He didn’t use that.

I would sometimes make the resolution to find a time when he was alone to tell him the truth, but he was either ignoring me or I just felt weird about it. Or Kady would always be around. I don’t know why she always ended up there when I tried to go to office hours. I mean, had told her some things that were going on, mostly the health things. But I never told anyone about the depression that was going on even more.

I suspected something was going on with her and I thought she had broken up with her boyfriend. I didn’t want to pry so I just kind of sat back. I suppose it’s around this time he started fucking Kady. I never got texts from her and I was thinking she was mad at me. All the while Dr. Dreamcrusher asks me why Kady and I aren’t studying together anymore. I tell him I don’t know why and maybe it’s something I did as “I tend to do stupid shit and annoy people.” I also make the comment that she tends to ask me to drink with her a lot and I don’t feel comfortable going out and doing so since she’s not exactly of age, and if I get caught I would never get my teaching credential. (Also, I don’t want to be drinking on the regular as I am an alcoholic, like I said before). This is key as I guess he goes back to Kady and informs her that I don’t want to hang out with her because I don’t want to buy her alcohol. That’s stupid. I don’t care if homegirl drinks. Shit, we got drunk this past weekend, plus we had gotten drunk, with alcohol I supplied, on campus, during his office hour. But what I said is I didn’t want to go out and drink. Also, like she says…her boyfriend is of age…she has people who can buy that shit for her. What the fuck?

Now Kady knowing this information along with details about my family life is just about enough for me to believe her. This is only information I had told Dr. Dreamcrusher.

Going back to school. At this point I had fucked up my analysis midterm. I know now that my analysis professor (yes the one who smells like my dad) went to Dr. Dreamcrusher and asked him why the fuck my midterm was so shitty as my homework was great. From Dr. Dreamcrusher’s admission, he told him I was probably overwhelmed but I’d be okay. He also decided to tell Analysis Professor my background and tells him that I was accepted to this summer program (the one for which he forgot my recommendation). I hadn’t told anyone I was accepted to the program.

So then my analysis professor emails me and asks to meet me. We have a closed door meeting and discuss my midterm and he offers me a chance to incomplete the quarter in order to take the summer in the program going back over analysis and redo it as an audit in the fall. I take the chance. He also asks about my background and tells me Dr. Dreamcrusher told him. Kind if irks me, but I’ve had teachers talk to teachers about me before. Whatev. During this meeting though, Dr. Dreamcrusher shows up. Analysis professor makes the comment that he knows what the meeting is about if he wants to stay and Dr. Dreamcrusher plays dumb and is like “I do?” He didn’t stay for the meeting.

Referring back to old posts I made. I was so grateful this happened. I still am. But now just to my Analysis Professor. I was so depressed at this point. I felt so isolated and alone, and I just couldn’t see that someone was actually caring.

The next office hour I had was the awkward one. I was really sick (I was actually fighting off a panic attack during class) the prior week and asked Dr. Dreamcrusher for an extension on my homework, to which he said yes. I had forgotten my homework on my desk, and didn’t want to overextend his generosity so I drove home and came back to campus to drop it off before office hours was over.

As I am pulling up the street, Kady is texting me asking me if I want her to tell him I was gonna turn it in later. I said no as I was already there. When I get there, it’s just them two and it’s awkward as fuck. The same time, my mom calls me so instead of interrupting them, I just take her call and go into the classroom down the hall. Apparently that freaked Dr. Dreamcrusher out. I suspect this was their planned time to have sex and I interrupted it. I am not sure, but he’s very concerned with why I left his office and went down the hall and he comes to check on me repeatedly. I was seriously just talking to my mom. I didn’t get anything done in that office hour, it was just a night of random as fuck conversation, and after Kady left, I don’t even understand why he firmly insisted on helping me with a problem on the homework I was turning in.

My semester went on and by the end I was in my full blown depression. Panic attacks before class and after. The week before finals I had locked myself in my dark room and cried until I fell asleep and woke up crying. I didn’t go to one of my finals and went to Dr. Dreamcrusher’s final full blown drunk, with alcohol in my cup that I drank during my final, announcing to Kady when I left that I was going to attempt alcohol poisoning that night.

I spent the next three days locked in my bedroom, contemplating killing myself. That is the truth. Then I checked myself into the hospital.

That was my first week of summer. I am now on medication and therapy and my goal was to progressively get better enough to face my summer program.