life · math · Relationships · School

Clip of my life story #1

Me: I DUN GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT DIS SHIT & DIS DUMB ASS BITCH.

Narrator: She did, in fact give a fuck about that shit and that dumb ass bitch.

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life · Relationships

Familiar Taste of Poison.

I always end up at this story. My moment of revelation.

People ask why I haven’t seriously dated in a few years and my answer is usually because I am focusing on school and being badass as fuck. But it’s definitely what I did to him.

I do feel horrible about it. I wish I was bold enough to apologize, but I feel at this point it’s better that I never talk to him again. He’s in a better place without me in his life, even to apologize.

We met when I was 24 and he was 21 at a party. I fully intended for it to be one of my many drunken one night stands I had during my super-heavy drinking days, where I was rebelling against the image I created of myself in high school.

He did not intend for it to be this way. I took his virginity the first night we met and he became infatuated with me. Even though I was rebelling against that Christian teenager I used to be, I fell for the good Christian boy I always dated before. He envisioned us getting married right away. I was horrified. However, I stayed around.

And I used him.

I insisted on dating other people and would give non-answers when he asked if I thought we’d have a future. I was honest though about seeing other people, to the point where I was probably rubbing it in his face. He didn’t deserve that. He was sweet and kind.

I knew for a fact I didn’t want to be with him. I just didn’t want to tell him no because his obsession with me fueled my ego. I never had a partner so enamored by me. He had genuine affection that I fascinated me because I never fully believed him but loved the feeling. I didn’t like him, I like how he made me feel. But I led him along thinking there was a chance.

One day he stood up for himself, and we fought and he called me a slut and a whore…which he later apologized for. But I knew that his infatuation with me was tarnished and I wasn’t attracted to that. So I stopped contact with him for a few months. We talked randomly after that, but never anything came of it. He would occasionally propose to hook up again, and I knew that the spark of infatuation was still there. If I said yes, it would go back to before.

I liked the feeling that at any moment I could have him back.

And then after couple years, I said yes. He had grown up and was different, just as I was. He now had figured out to distinguish physical attraction from genuine connection, and this time it was all physical.

Until a few months later the day he gave me a taste of my own medicine and cut off contact with me. It started the week before my birthday, because I remember what really pissed me off was that I expected him to at least wish me a happy birthday. He didn’t.

So out of spite, I didn’t remind him. Or text him. Or call him. I am stubborn and prideful and refused to be the one to break this silence. Looking back I know I think that if I showed him I actually had a feeling for him it would show weakness.

We haven’t talked since.

But I do know he’s seriously dating a girl. So I stay away. He’s happy.  He deserves it. He doesn’t deserve me and my issues, my pride, my ego, my stubbornness. I just wish sometimes I could say sorry for how I treated him and thank him for what I learned.

Sorry Brian.

life · math

Adrift in a sea of endless opportunity…shit’s scary.

I am a directionless upper division student. It’s an interesting spot to be in, seeing parts of new ideas like topology and fields and thinking…is this it? Is this the concept that is going to get me hooked and I’ll know what to do in grad school?

As if it’s just sitting there for me twiddling it’s thumbs. Knowing I am beating myself up because I just don’t think I understand how ideals work, or that I am bored as fuck with all these epsilon proofs.

I was e-mailing with Professor S today and realized, I might actually like these evil proofs from abstract algebra. Let’s not admit this too much.

I just wish it would be like BAM here I am!!! Fall in love with me already and let’s get this mathematics on the road!!!

Also, let’s realize my current attitude towards math is how my peers feel about finding their significant others at this time in their lives. I don’t know if I am sad or nerdy.

I say both.

depression · life

Alone

I love being alone.

But I hate this so much about myself. I really wish I were the type of person who’s a social butterfly. I mean, I can be funny and joke with anyone but in general I mostly sit in the back and watch the crowd. I can also be the loud one in a group I’m used to. But the next day I’ll hide under my covers, re-thinking everything I said.

Or I’ll be so far away from the socialization I’ll be at home alone.

I feel awkward making plans with people. I assume they don’t want to be seen with me or don’t really like my company. So I don’t.

And when I am out with friends I am constantly thinking that they are wishing I weren’t there. I always think people are annoyed by me. Or once I leave they’ll call up their real friends and be like, “she’s so weird!”

It’s part of my depression, that these thoughts just overwhelm me. And I tell my therapist and we talk about what could happen if I were to ask people to do things. And I just never ask.

Then there’s me on alcohol. I know I am an alcoholic. I can’t explain how I love drunk me. It’s the me I wish I could be all the time. Before I blackout, of course, and ruin all my friendships, or damage my body, or wake up in strange places. And the great mystery of addiction is that when you’re sober, the active addicts find you to bring you back into your addiction.

It’s so much more comfortable being alone. But that isn’t a life.