depression · life · math · School

fourteen.

Alone.

School is finished and I’m officially avoiding everything to do with it. I have an incomplete to finish and I can’t be bothered until after I see my family. My friends are gone and the one last person around is the one who started all this.

She confronted my friend and told her we were talking shit about her throughout the math department. Judging her ‘life choices’.

First, I don’t talk to anyone in the math department. I don’t trust anyone as a consequence of all of this.

Second, I don’t know what life choices she has that I have been judging. She’s 21. What choices has she made? Anything I had questions about I told her to her face. I told her to her face that taking her credential online alienates you from job prospects because many administrators will throw your application in the trash. It’s true. I inquired about her plans after college because every time she talked they changed. I never wanted to work in the charter school she worked at, and I never told anyone why. So I am unsure of what life choices she has that I told anyone in the math department I disapproved.

Most importantly she said that people are saying I did not deserve my research opportunity. They are saying that my professor is making concessions for me and to them it is becoming apparent that he is a predator and I probably slept with him to get special treatment.

And this.

This hurts the most.

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depression · life · math · School

twelve.

I got scolded.

I don’t know how I didn’t anticipate this reaction. I fully believed he would let me walk out of the school. He’s right, I would be giving up.

But I still don’t believe I am good at this. It’s been 18 years and I still believe that I am bad at math. I still believe that if I ask a question I am going to be shamed and told to sit away from everyone else because it is such a stupid question. I still freeze up when asking questions.

I literally had to email a question I had from office hours and felt so embarrassed asking it, and my only mistake a was a simple algebra issue. I understood the rest of the process, the actual linear algebra process, but I couldn’t see a substitution error and I was embarrassed. I still feel stupid that it took me hours and re-reading the explanation numerous times to get it.

I’ve worked years to get over this and just when I feel like I have a bit of confidence, it tumbles down.

I believe I am so bad at this, that I completely believed a professor I’ve had for 2 years now would let me walk out of the school without a fight.

Maybe I don’t even believe I deserve this.

life · math · Relationships · School

one.

I like to think I am self-aware enough to know the things I need to do well academically. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know the environments that are prime for me to slack off in.

I came to this school with every intention to find someone to be on my side. In my corner. To believe in and fight for me and my success alongside me. Because after all, I was leaving my friends and family behind. I know no one here. I was willing to make new friends. To befriend new professors. To move out of my comfort zone and previous success where I was at in a supportive math department and start fresh.

So when a professor tells you in the first weeks of your first year at a new school, to come to his office hours and get to know him, because he wants to know you when you ultimately need that letter of recommendation, you do it. Especially when you know there is a program you want to do. You need someone on your side.

So when that girl that is sitting in your stats class, and then again in your set theory and logic class befriends you and invites you to study, you make friends. Because you need that support circle. You need to vent your frustrations about class, about the professor who is annoying you, about life in general. Because you have no friends around, and your friends back home can’t relate to you because you’re in your 30s living a life that you should have had in your 20s.

But what I don’t get is, how, along the way I became a strategic pawn. Or maybe I am some sort of threat.

Because in spite of telling that girl, that through thick and thin, I am determined to get through this, that I believe women need success in math, that I got her back and hopefully she had mine…she allegedly did not have my back.

And what I don’t get is, in spite of how much I try to be personable and nice, I can’t help but be measured and cold. I have been and will always come off as indifferent.

Because in spite of sitting in that office day after day asking questions, and for feedback, and telling that professor how much I appreciated his help that first term, because I know my persistence is annoying; that professor thought I hated him. So I became a last minute thought. I was ignored.

And what is worst about this whole situation, is the fact that my abilities were so affected by this illusion of a support circle I thought I had. I knew I needed help because I was and am drowning in my life and responsibilities but I have no one. And I feel like I should be ignored and overlooked at this point. I’m not proud of the work I did at this school. I am embarrassed. It’s not me.

I know what me being successful is. And this isn’t it.