life · Relationships · School

eight.

What does this look like moving forward?

I have one year left and these girls aren’t going to be around for it. Thank god.

But the rest of my experience is tainted by this.  I’m embarrassed that I still need to ask him for help for stuff and it’s always going to be marred by this experience. That is, if he doesn’t lose his job.

Maybe it’s me not liking that people know I’m vulnerable to shit. Maybe this is why I come off unapproachable, because I don’t like showing weakness.

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depression · life

seven.

I thought guilt was bad.

The full force realization that someone you thought was your friend, lied to you because of some jealousy over a perceived friendship you had with your professor in order to make you hate him. That is fucking heartbreaking.

I don’t know what I did to her to deserve this. It has to have been something. I keep rereading our texts and I can’t see anything. I just wanted to be friends. From the beginning I told her I would have her back.

She fucking knew. She knew everything because I told her. She knew how frustrated I was because I felt like there was a disconnect between me and my professor. She knew I felt alone. And yet she told me that I should hate him because she had an affair with him and she hated him because he would make her feel stupid.

I believed herI offered to fight with her, to be by her side, because I once had a math teacher who told me I was stupid. And she knew about it. I fucking told her. And I feel so pathetic for believing her.

And was she pleased with herself that she got me to hate him? To make me feel even more isolated. Fuck her.

Sitting in that stupid university office as this stranger told me I don’t understand what these girls are going through. I wanted to scream at her. If this was the truth, I do understand. I understand more than anyone else they possibly met.

Because at age 14 I sat in a chair while someone I knew and I thought I trusted did exactly what the other girl claimed he did to her. But he didn’t do it to her. I was there, two other people were there. He never touched her. I was there the whole time.

Fuck sitting in that office having her tell me I don’t understand.

I know the terror she would have felt. The racing thoughts. If I fight back or speak up, will he hurt me? Am I going to make it home? What is my mom and dad going to say? I shouldn’t have come here. I knew better. And spoke up, and he stopped. And I felt ashamed, and I lived in fear for months wondering if he would hurt my family to get back at me if I told anyone.

I have lived 25 years with the effects of this. I know full well what a victim feels like.

How fucking dare she tell me I don’t understand.

 

depression · life · Relationships

six.

She absolutely lied.

She got a letter from the school She has been tipped off that something is going on and she went to him. She stated her name might be brought up regarding the other girl’s investigation and if it was, she was going to ignore it because she didn’t have time to deal with that mess. And that nothing happened.

I am so angry. I don’t know what reason I gave her to say this to me. That it was okay for her to let me hate him.

I am just so tired of all of this.

I haven’t slept properly in a week. I hate being left alone with my thoughts and dwelling on all of this shit. I just want to be done with it.

What’s sad is that even when this year is over, and if he stays and if I stay…I really don’t want to talk to him anymore. Both of these girls ruined my experience.

 

depression · life

five.

Guilt is a horrible feeling.

I want to shake it but I can’t. It just sits in my chest like an intruder and spiraling into worse thoughts.

You did this. You ruined his life. You broke your promise to her. You thought you were doing the right thing, but look at all this chaos. You can’t even fix it. You’re a horrible person. At the end of it all they’re going to hate you. Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut? You deserve to feel all this loneliness. You’re a bad friend. You’re the toxic person. You obviously are doing something that made her want to do all of this. They would’ve been better off with out you.

depression · life · Relationships

four.

“Have you ever had a moment where you feel your life crashing down around you?”

Yes. More than once. And I never wish that feeling on anyone. My heart breaks for anyone feeling this feeling.

A part of me wants to save everyone. What’s pathetic is that through all of this, I still care about her and want to protect her because at one point she was my friend. I think if I told them her name she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would feel so guilty if she harmed herself.

But then I saw him break down and I worried myself sick until I heard from him again.

But I need to remind myself: I can’t save anyone.

 

 

I just blow up their lives apparently.

depression · life · Relationships

three.

I hate “be careful what you wish for” moments in your life. I only had one, until recently.

The first one was me, acting hateful to my dad saying I wish I never had to hear him ever again. Then months later he had a stroke and literally couldn’t talk.

This one.

I just kept saying I have no one at this school I feel close to, and that’s all I wanted. I spent a year trying to get to know a professor and felt ignored. Not anymore. I didn’t want it like this. Not at all.

I didn’t want to be the one to start this mess. I didn’t want to see him break down in front of me in tears. I didn’t want any of this.

All I feel is guilty and helpless.

I can’t say it will get better. Because it very possibly could not. I can only say I feel sorry, because I do. I wonder, what step should I have taken that would have made this whole thing less of a crazy mess?

And I can’t think of one thing. I very much might’ve ruined his entire life.

And all I wish is that they had never met me. Because without me, she wouldn’t have been jealous at me, there would have been no reason to lie to me about some relationship and we wouldn’t have been in this mess.

life · Relationships · School

two.

The worst part about this whole ordeal on my end is that one of these people has lied to my face and I don’t know how I can be convinced in either direction. I’ve known them both in equal amounts of time and one I trusted to be my friend and the other I trusted to be my mentor. I can’t understand what I did to either of them to warrant them lying to me and playing into my insecurities.

I am now in a position where I trust no one. I spent over a year feeling isolated and alone, because I was in fact isolated and alone due to these crazy lies. And they both told me to my face I wasn’t alone and that they were there fore me. But either one was so selfish and actually thought it was okay to use my work against my friend, or the other was so jealous and had to play into my insecurities and make up some grandiose lie to level the playing field?

He actually told me a few weeks ago she ‘looked up to me’. That’s fucking bullshit. I tried so hard to not laugh in his face.

So who was lying?

I know the situation isn’t black and white, but it just burns. I want to be rid of both of them. I’ve tried my hardest to cut her out, but she’s still there. And I can’t fully get rid of him until after I graduate and am in a grad program.