I thought guilt was bad.
The full force realization that someone you thought was your friend, lied to you because of some jealousy over a perceived friendship you had with your professor in order to make you hate him. That is fucking heartbreaking.
I don’t know what I did to her to deserve this. It has to have been something. I keep rereading our texts and I can’t see anything. I just wanted to be friends. From the beginning I told her I would have her back.
She fucking knew. She knew everything because I told her. She knew how frustrated I was because I felt like there was a disconnect between me and my professor. She knew I felt alone. And yet she told me that I should hate him because she had an affair with him and she hated him because he would make her feel stupid.
I believed her. I offered to fight with her, to be by her side, because I once had a math teacher who told me I was stupid. And she knew about it. I fucking told her. And I feel so pathetic for believing her.
And was she pleased with herself that she got me to hate him? To make me feel even more isolated. Fuck her.
Sitting in that stupid university office as this stranger told me I don’t understand what these girls are going through. I wanted to scream at her. If this was the truth, I do understand. I understand more than anyone else they possibly met.
Because at age 14 I sat in a chair while someone I knew and I thought I trusted did exactly what the other girl claimed he did to her. But he didn’t do it to her. I was there, two other people were there. He never touched her. I was there the whole time.
Fuck sitting in that office having her tell me I don’t understand.
I know the terror she would have felt. The racing thoughts. If I fight back or speak up, will he hurt me? Am I going to make it home? What is my mom and dad going to say? I shouldn’t have come here. I knew better. And spoke up, and he stopped. And I felt ashamed, and I lived in fear for months wondering if he would hurt my family to get back at me if I told anyone.
I have lived 25 years with the effects of this. I know full well what a victim feels like.
How fucking dare she tell me I don’t understand.